Let’s explore the very real impact of supporting someone with persistent pain both at work and at home.

 

During a podcast interview with Ryan Tyack from Potential is Human, I was asked me about how my husband, Chris, dealt with my chronic pain for so many years.

 

I realized what a huge topic this is 🤔

 

Living with chronic pain is difficult, but being around someone who is living with chronic pain is also challenging for different reasons.

If you’re the partner, boss, or coworker of someone in pain, you may experience one or more of these things:

1. Feeling helpless because if the doctor can’t help, what chance do you have?
2. Feeling the need to find and offer practical solutions, which are not always welcomed.
3. Guilt about living and enjoying your life without suffering.
4. Absorbing the heavy emotions of the person in pain.
5. Fear of the future. If this doesn’t get better…then what?

It’s hard to always be there for someone else, especially if it’s over a long period of time. It can take its toll on you.

 

Therefore, it’s essential to take care of your own mental, emotional, and physical health. On top of that, here are some practical tips to help you directly support the person who is suffering.

 

1. Avoid talking about the pain

Living with chronic pain can be all-consuming, but it’s important to remember that the pain doesn’t define the person. In fact, continually talking about the pain can actually make it worse. This is because pain is a neural pathway, and the more we focus on it, the stronger the pathway becomes, leading to more fear and discomfort. That’s why, as a first step, I always encourage my clients to shift their focus away from the pain and towards what they can do to improve their situation. By redirecting their thoughts and actions, they can start to take back control of their lives and reduce the hold that chronic pain has over them.

 

2. Help them name their emotions

It’s becoming increasingly clear that pain and emotions are intricately linked. Recent studies have shown that when someone is in pain, their emotional state can significantly impact their experience of that pain. As a friend, colleague, or loved one, you can help alleviate their suffering by encouraging them to identify and name the emotions they are feeling – be it frustration, anger, disappointment, or something else. This simple act can have a powerful effect, helping to release some of the tension and negativity that may be exacerbating their pain. By creating a safe space where they can openly express and process their emotions, you can help them move towards a greater sense of ease and comfort.

 

3. Create moments of joy

Creating moments of joy can be a powerful tool in managing chronic pain. It’s been scientifically proven that when we experience positive emotions, our brains release “happy chemicals” that can counteract feelings of pain. So, why not try to make someone smile today? In our home, we have a simple yet effective practice where we share what we are grateful for during dinner. This moment of reflection not only brings joy to our day but also builds up resilience, which is crucial in healing from chronic pain.

4. Suggest a mind-body approach

When it comes to chronic pain, the typical Western medical approach often only addresses the symptoms rather than the root cause. However, scientific research has shown that persistent pain is often the result of a learned neural pathway, which means it can be unlearned.

 

As a supportive friend, consider suggesting a mind-body approach to healing, which focuses on the interconnectedness of the body and mind. One way to get started is by taking a free quiz on my website called “Is Your Pain Curable?” This quiz can help identify if this approach is suitable for them.

 

It’s important to note that this approach may not be for everyone, and some people may be resistant to the idea. However, by making the suggestion, you can rest easy knowing that you’ve done what you can to support them in their journey towards healing.

 

In summary, living or working with someone in chronic pain can be challenging, but these are four steps you can take to help

 

1 – Don’t talk about the pain

2 – Help name emotions

3 – Create moments of joy

4 – Suggest a mind-body approach

 

By following these four steps, you can feel more in control and provide meaningful support.

 

Don’t forget to check out the latest podcast recording with Ryan for more tips on overcoming stress, anxiety, and chronic pain.

Remember, with the right mindset and support, anything is possible.

If you’re interested in learning more, I offer daily reminders and tips on LinkedIn (link) And if you’re ready to explore coaching options, schedule a free Discovery call here (CLICK).

You’re tossing and turning. It’s another sleepless night. Predictably… Fear kicks in.

• What if I don’t sleep again?
• What will happen tomorrow?
• What if this keeps happening to me?

Before long we’ve developed a fear of not sleeping which only makes matters worse.

 

Did you know? Some birds sleep with one eye open.

Why? Because half of their brain is alert whilst the other half is sleeping? This allows the bird to spring into action if there’s a threat.

Are you a bird? Of course not.

Unfortunately, as humans, we can’t sleep with one eye open whilst we scan the world for threats. We must choose between being asleep or staying awake.

Therefore, if we believe there’s some level of threat, humans can find it impossible to drop into a deep sleep.

I’m not just talking about physical threats. I’m also talking about stressful things that are playing on our minds. These can also be a threat.

Therefore, the best way to get a good night’s sleep is to find effective ways to settle your nervous system. So that we no longer feel the need to stay alert just in case.

Feeling safe enough to sleep starts from the minute we wake up and the actions we take throughout the day determine whether we will feel safe enough to sleep at night.

For this reason, I’ve broken down this article into 3 sections.

1 – Morning tips
2 – Daytime tips
3 – Evening tips

So here goes…

Morning Tips

Wake up at the same time every single day (no matter what)

I get it… the alarm has gone off and you can’t quite believe it’s that time already because you’ve only just fallen to sleep. However, the biggest mistake we make at this point is hitting the snooze button. Doing so gives us a feeling of having ‘failed’. But more importantly, our body clock starts from the minute we get up. The longer we lay in bed, the later it will be in the evening before your body thinks it’s time to sleep. If the time we get up each day is different no wonder our bodies don’t know when it’s time to sleep.

So next time your alarm goes off, do whatever it takes to crawl out of bed. Yes… You may be tired in the afternoon, but I will show you how to handle that later in this article.

Get up before everyone else

I can already hear your resistance to this point. I know you’ve probably not slept and want to enjoy every second of sleep before you have to get up. And maybe your kids wake up early and you can’t possibly imagine beating them to it.

But still… I stand by this point because it was a game-changer for me in my struggle with chronic pain and terrible sleep.

Whilst we are lying in bed our nervous systems are somewhat calm, even if we’ve slept badly. Then suddenly from nowhere a loud alarm goes off, kids are jumping on you and the dog is barking to be fed. Before you know it, you’re running around the house like a headless chicken trying to get everyone organized for the day whilst at the same time panicking that you haven’t slept which means you will be tired all day. Our nervous system has no idea what’s happening but does its best to keep up with us.

Now imagine this…

Your alarm goes off with a soft vibration alert. You know everyone else is sleeping which gives you 45 minutes of calm time. You savour your perfect cup of tea, maybe sit, and read a chapter of the book you’ve been meaning to finish, and you may even sneak out for a walk around the neighbourhood.

The key here is that you have uninterrupted time to experience what it feels like to have a calm nervous system. Our bodies are extra receptive in the mornings so it’s likely that once we’ve experienced this state of calm, we are more likely to continue our day feeling this way.

The more pockets of time during the day that we can calm our nervous system the better our sleep will be at night.

And finally on this point… The earlier we get up the sooner our body clock resets so that we are ready to fall asleep at night.

Let daylight into your eyes ASAP

Getting daylight into your eyes as soon as possible after waking tells your body clearly that in 12 hours it’s time to sleep. Making your chances of falling asleep far better.

Sitting by a window for breakfast would work but the ultimate treat for yourself would be a quiet walk around the streets. Even if it’s raining and miserable, fresh air, daylight and movement will help your body clock kick start. I promise.

Resist the phone for as long as you can

It’s sad that for many of us, the first thing we do on waking is to check to see if we have any messages or notifications. And even worse we take a sneaky look at social media apps just in case we’ve missed anything. And whilst we are there we may as well check out the news headlines.

Each one of these actions will activate your nervous system without you even realizing it.

What could be on your phone that couldn’t wait an hour or two?

Give yourself the freedom of enjoying the first part of your day distraction-free. This will help keep your nervous system nice and calm for longer.

Which as you know will help your sleep at night.

Daytime Tips

Imagine your nervous system on a sliding scale which fluctuates throughout the day. To get a good night’s sleep the aim is to keep our nervous system as calm as we can throughout the day.

When are you most stressed?

At times throughout the day, you will notice that your nervous system is on high alert. This could feel like you’re holding your breath, clenching your teeth, or anxiously looking around. For some people, myself included, physical pain shows up at these times. Tension in the back, shoulders, jaw etc.

Once we start to notice these moments of stress, we can put measures in place to consciously regulate the nervous system.

My anxiety is at its worst between 3.30 pm – 4.30 pm. It doesn’t matter why. What matters is that I notice and aim to settle it. Here are some techniques you can use throughout the day to calm your nervous system which will in turn help you sleep at night.

Yoga Nidra / Non-Sleep Deep Rest

Yoga Nidra is a guided meditation we do whilst laying down in a quiet room. In just 10 minutes our entire body can fall into a state of calm. But the idea is that we don’t go to sleep. It feels like a massage for the mind. And it teaches us that we can be calm even without sleeping.

If you’re like many people with chronic pain and do not sleep at night this is a great way to quickly recharge your batteries in a really short time.

Having techniques as powerful as this also means we can get up early regardless of the lack of sleep because we can tap into this any time of the day to supercharge ourselves.

This is my favourite and easiest technique to find pockets of peace when I’m stressed or tired.

Meditation

Many of my clients swear by meditation. I find meditation easiest first thing in the morning when my mind is already calm. But later in the day when my monkey mind is on over-drive, I use you-tube meditations as an easy option.

Exercise

Although this is obvious, exercise ensures our body is physically tired enough to sleep.

I would suggest you test out what works best for you. Are you a morning exercise person or an evening one? For me, I find morning exercise helps me sleep and evening exercise tends to keep me awake. But everyone is different.

Struggling to get motivated because you’re tired?

Go for something easy and make use of tools to help you.

The Nike Run app has excellent guided runs. Last week I did a run titled “A run for when you don’t want to run”.

And ‘Yoga with Kassandra” can be found for free on youtube. She has great 10 minute videos and is very motivating.

Technology Tips

These days we’ve all become a little bit obsessed with checking our phones. On average Americans check their phones 344 times a day. That’s once every 4 minutes.

I doubt you can remember the feeling of freedom we used to have before mobile phones.

I don’t suggest we bin our phones but please know that every time we feel the need to check the phone, whether we check it or not, we are evoking a stress response in our bodies.

I’ve deleted all social media apps, news apps and even my e-mail from my phone. It’s been a game-changer for me. If you can’t bring yourself to do this, then at least consider turning off the notifications.

Looking at our phones when we are about to go to sleep does two things.

Firstly, the blue light that’s emitted from your phone stimulates your brain and fools it into thinking it’s daytime. This blue light is saying to our brains “Oh look! There’s bright light… It’s time to wake up”. Instead of falling to sleep your body clock may reset, think it’s morning and try to give you 12 more hours of awake time.

And lastly, do you really want to have some random person’s face from WhatsApp, Facebook or Instagram on your mind as you drift off into sleep? Probably not.

Most things we see on social media will in some way trigger our stress response. So best not to do this just before we try and sleep.

Alcohol & Caffeine

Too much caffeine during the day and we struggle to sleep at night. This is a fact.

But many people believe the opposite to be true of alcohol.

I’ve heard people say they need a glass of wine to help them relax so they can sleep. Whilst it may help you to fall to sleep it will prevent you from getting any deep sleep. And numbing our nervous systems does little to solve the sleep problem long term.

Evening Tips

So it’s coming up to the time we ‘should’ be sleeping. The fear starts to creep in. What if I can’t sleep again?

Notice this very thought is keeping you locked in the pain-fear cycle. The more fear we have of sleeping, the more ramped up our nervous system will be. This gives a signal to our bodies that we need to keep one eye open just like the birds to look out for threats.

As we get better at calming our nervous system during the day our bodies will start to get used to feeling calm and this will extend through to bedtime.

But… having said that when we first start with the techniques mentioned here there may still be evenings that are a struggle.

So here are my top tips for when you find yourself staring at the ceiling while the rest of the world is snoring.

Tapping / EFT Emotional Freedom Technique

Tapping on different parts of the body helps balance energy and reduce the physical and emotional pain. You watch a YouTube video of someone tapping and talking and you just copy.

If you’ve never come across tapping before you may think I’ve lost my marbles.

But I swear by this technique. It works like acupuncture whereby we are releasing energy flow in the body.

So next time you find yourself wide awake, find a tapping video for sleep and give it a go. You might be surprised.

Reading

If we can’t sleep the worse thing, we could do is to continue to lie awake panicking, especially when we’ve spent all day trying to soothe our nervous system.

So put on a reading light and enjoy a few chapters of your book. And trust that your body will sleep when it’s ready to sleep. If you truly need more sleep tomorrow, there’s always Yoga Nidra to give you a boost!

Mind Map

One of the reasons we struggle to sleep is because of our busy minds. For many people, the first time we get a moment to ourselves is when we put our heads on that pillow.

So of course, this is when we start trying to make sense of everything from past events, the things we are dealing with day to day and even things about our future.

Although these things are just thoughts our bodies perceive them as very real threats. And it would be impossible to sleep if there were any threats. Even something as simple as needing to remember to pack the swimming kits for the kids in the morning can seem like a threat at nighttime.

Before you go to bed jot down everything you possibly can that could be on your mind. Let the pen flow including big and small things. Make sure you leave that notepad next to your bed. This way if you notice a thought swimming around when you’re trying to sleep you can roll over and write it down.

As a rule… Better out than in when it comes to thoughts at night.

Gratitude Practice

Running away from the fear of lack of sleep is exhausting. But what if instead, we could focus on running towards joy.

Starting a simple gratitude practice at bedtime will help you to shine a light on all the positive aspects of the day. Just listing 3-5 things that have happened to you during the day that you’re grateful for can send very powerful calming signals to your brain.

Then as you lay down instead of counting sheep which is both boring and stupid, try thinking back to the start of your day. What was the first thing you were grateful for, imagine it fully. Then follow it with the thought of the next thing. Continue this enjoyable process until you reach the end of the day and then start again from the beginning either with new points or the same points.

What matters here is that the thoughts we have as we drift off to sleep bring us a feeling of joy and safety.

Final thoughts

For someone that’s already frustrated about not sleeping, this may seem like information overload, but the underlying message is the same.

If we want to sleep better at night, we need to feel safe.

We need to feel safe throughout the day… not just at night.

And we do this by taking action to settle our busy nervous systems. Unfortunately, our nervous systems will not settle themselves. We must take action and make changes if we want to sleep better.

What is one action you can start taking today?

I wish I didn’t have so much empathy…

I wish I wasn’t such a people pleaser…

I wish I didn’t overthink everything…

What do you wish?

Every day I meet someone who wishes they were more like someone else.

If there was such thing as a personality transplant, they would take it.

One of the keys to reducing stress and stress-induced pain is to get comfortable in our own skin.

We need to figure out who we are.

Not the version of us we show to the world.

The real us.

That is why all my clients take the Clifton Strengths Assessment, a personality tool to help quickly discover who you are. We find your unique personality. We call these ‘your strengths’.

But what’s fascinating is the different reactions that clients have when they see their strengths for the first time.

And this is what I’m going to share with you. These are the most common emotions that come up for clients when they finally come face to face with their personalities.

And for the most part… it’s not pretty.

Disappointment

When I got my top 5 strengths I was working in Human Resources. I was so disappointed that I didn’t have as many ‘people’ strengths as I was hoping for.

In my mind to be good in HR you needed to have people strengths and I had none.

I was so disappointed that I resigned from my job.

But thank goodness my boss was trained in strengths and was able to talk me off the ledge.

She helped me to embrace my natural strengths rather than wasting energy trying to be someone that I am not. To read the full story click here.

These days I love my strengths and the energy they bring to my clients. And I finally feel comfortable in my own skin.

Anger / Frustration

My first coaching session with Sarah started like this…

Sarah: “OK… I get it… these are my strengths but they haven’t helped me”

We dug in and discovered that Sarah was angry that she had ‘Empathy’ as a strength because she always gets sucked into everyone else’s drama.

She knows this is a source of her stress and pain. She said, “I can’t seem to turn the empathy off”.

During that first session, we were able to go deep and discover specifically when and how empathy was triggering a stress response. And find ways in which she could balance empathy with her other strengths.

We also looked at the many times in which empathy helps Sarah to be successful in roles that she had held both at home and at work.

It wasn’t long before Sarah was able to see her empathy strength for the superpower it is.

Surprised / Validated

Mark discovered he had several strategic strengths. Meaning he thinks incredibly quickly. He can easily consider a million different options before landing on the best answer.

As soon as I shared with Mark that his strategic strength means that he probably thinks faster than his peers I saw a light bulb go off in his head. He said…

Mark: ‘Oh… that’s why I can’t tolerate fools.’

Until this point, he genuinely thought everyone he worked with just didn’t get it.

So much of his stress came from having to explain things again and again.

But now he could see this as his superpower he instantly reframed the way he saw situations and his peers.

He found strategies to explain step by step to others what he was thinking and why. Before long he had everyone on board with him.

Disgusted / Different

Jane has the strength ‘Command’. When she read her strengths report, she took from it that she was bossy.

She was completely disgusted that this was her. And even more upset that others may see her this way. A nerve had been hit because deep down she did feel bossy.

Well… The strength of ‘Command’ can indeed be seen as bossy.

But only if you’re not aware that you have it.

I worked together with Jane to help her see how her strength of command came to life, both at work and at home.

What we discovered was interesting.

Because she was so conscious of not wanting to be bossy, she had been suppressing her natural inclination to take charge for years.

I explained to Jane that it takes more energy to suppress our strengths than to use them.

For years she had been squashing one of her greatest strengths which had been exhausting.

She was able to see the connection to her rising stress levels and associated migraines.

We worked together to see how she could start using her strength of command, without looking bossy so that she could serve others and in turn help herself.

Regret / Grief

Sam discovered that she had the strength ‘Ideation’. Meaning that she has endless creativity. Her reaction, however, was deep sadness, regret and almost grief.

She went on to recall the many times as a child that she was able to use her creativity but somewhere along the way she had lost it.

She described herself as “a shell of a person on auto-pilot”. Her spark had gone.

Discovering she had not been using her strength of Ideation for so many years was a hard pill to swallow.

But by the end of that first session, we had already discovered ways she could quickly re-ignite that creative spark and find purpose and meaning in her days.

Lonely / Isolated

When some clients get their results one of the first things, they notice is that they are different to their family or friends.

This is normal.

We are all different to each other.

But for many, it goes deeper than this. Clients realize that in childhood they were different to their family.

And for whatever reason, their family didn’t recognize or see their strengths

As a child, they tried hard to morph into being what their family expected of them and continued this long into adulthood.

This act of trying to be someone you’re not is exhausting.

With this discovery also comes anger that they were not recognized as a child. Or sometimes we feel relief. Relief that there was never anything wrong with us.

We are just different.

Having the language behind these differences makes all the difference.

Bad / Indifferent

When I asked Julia what she thought of her top 5 strengths she said…

“They are boring, I was hoping to be more”.

Like many clients, she couldn’t see what was so great about her strengths.

I get it!

When you’ve been living with the same strengths your entire life, of course, they will seem boring.

These strengths are your in-built operating system. We take them for granted. They are what makes you – you!

Or put it another way… It’s like trying to look at the end of your nose. Everyone else can see your nose but you can’t. It’s just too close.

We spent that first session looking at how her ‘boring’ strengths were the secret sauce to her previous successes both at work and at home.

Within just an hour, Julia was able to see the end of her nose again! (aka her strengths).

Denial

I will hear a client say, “I’ve done the assessment, but I think I need to do it again, it’s not me at all”.

I’ve been working with the Clifton Strengths Finder tool for many years. And I’ve never once had a client who by the end of our time together still thinks this.

What’s more likely is that they are in denial about who they are. Which in itself could be a cause of stress.

After a little exploration and digging I’m usually able to support the client not just to identify with at least a few of their strengths but to fully embrace them.

Interestingly, the clients with the most denial at the start often go on to recommend Strengths Finder to all their friends.

And finally…

Of course, we could change our personalities.

But it would take years of practice, repetition and re-wiring of our brains.

Wouldn’t it be quicker, easier and healthier to stick with our personality?

Let’s do the assessment. Get our strengths out on the table and see them for what they are.

Let’s be curious about what emotions come up. And figure out how to use our unique strengths in all areas of life.

I promise that when you discover, step in and use your strengths you can’t help but feel stronger.

What clients say

When you discover your strengths it’s as though someone has just given you a brand-new pair of glasses. When you start wearing them you will see the world differently and you will have a-ha moments.

When we first discover our strengths we may not like what we find. But as we unpack them and dig deeper our emotions start to shift.

Only when we stop trying to fight who we are and accept our uniqueness can find inner peace.

And then the real magic happens when you start to consciously notice and use your strengths.

The most common emotions that clients who have gone through strengths coaching with me report are…

Feelings of content, proud, accepted, powerful, trusting, optimistic, thankful, valued, respected, confident and free.

Now it’s your turn

Are you ready to discover your greatest strengths?

Send me a message today and let’s get going.

gemma@gemmamcfall.com

What’s wrong with your personality?

“I know I shouldn’t be such a people pleaser”

“Everyone tells me I have too much empathy”

“I wish I were better at handling confrontation”

 

These are just some examples of things I often hear from clients.

Are we all secretly ashamed of being ourselves?

Dr Brené Brown, a research professor who’s spent the past two decades studying shame describes shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.

I used to feel ashamed of my weakness, my lack of confidence and my doubt. Why is everyone else so much more competent than me? Why do they seem to breeze through life with so much ease?

So where does this shame come from?

I’m going to suggest where our shame comes from, how it stops us from being happy, and what you can do about it.

That is unless you want to go on wishing you had a different, better personality and living with shame. In which case go grab yourself a cuppa and snuggle down in front of Netflix.

I’ve chosen to use the word ‘strength’ when referring to personality traits or talents that are unique to you. Why? Because I’m a Strengths Coach and I deeply and completely believe in the strengths approach.

The Shoulds…

Ever noticed that we have a list of everything we ‘should’ be.

‘Should’ according to who?

“You need empathy to be successful” – Do you?

“You will never get anywhere if you are not organized” – Is that true?

“Dealing with conflict is something you should be able to do as you get older” – Why?

These are some of the ‘shoulds’ that Kate, a recent client of mine, wanted me to help her with during a coaching session. It’s no surprise that she had been carrying years of shame because she can’t do these things that society tells her she should.

Despite what we’ve been led to believe, we don’t need to be well rounded. We don’t need to be good at everything. Attempting this is never-ending and truly exhausting.

You were told to stop being you

Kids can be annoying.

They are 110% authentic. They haven’t yet learnt to be ashamed of who they are.

If they have a strength in communication this could look like verbal diarrhoea and a kind parent is constantly telling them to be quiet.

Maybe their strength is questioning things and drive us mad asking more questions than is needed for the simplest of things. What if our reply was ‘stop asking questions just get on with it?’

Or finally, we all know a child who is ‘bossy’. Is it bossy? Or is she one of our next great leaders in the making?

It doesn’t take long before a child learns to be ashamed of their strength and stop being themselves and very soon they could become watered-down versions of themselves without ever having the opportunity to grow into their greatest strengths.

Your strengths were not recognized

Is it possible that your strengths were never spotted or valued by your family because you were different?

Kids just want to fit in. When our uniqueness goes unnoticed, we quickly learn to hide it and try and conform.

A friend of mine, Sam grew up in a family that loved to reminisce and talk about the past. But he preferred to dream about the possibilities of the future. As a child, he couldn’t find his place in the conversation.

Sam assumed for years there was something wrong with him.

By not recognizing other’s strength we’re implying it’s not something to be proud of.

Your parents chose not to shine

Growing up with a parent who lacks confidence and who is in the habit of highlighting their flaws, teaches us to do the same.

Clients often say… ‘I get this [insert strength they don’t like] from my Mum’

What if their Mum had done a better job of embracing this strength and showcasing how to shine with it?

When our parents wish away their personality it sends a crystal clear message to us to do the same.

Your school didn’t cater to your strengths

You could have spent 12 years or more at school and still not figure out what you’re good at.

The current school system does a great job at teaching and measuring academic subjects.

But what about kids whose strengths lie in leadership, influencing, problem solving, kindness or conflict negotiation.

There may have been fleeting moments when if you were, lucky a group project or an after-school activity gave you the chance to shine.

But ultimately your grades still only reflect the academics.

Your boss says you’re not good enough

If you managed to survive childhood without adopting any shame around who you are…congratulations…

You’re in the minority.

But you are not out of the woods yet…

You get a job. You have a boss. You attend your performance review.

And guess what?

You discover a whole load of development areas that you didn’t know you had. You best start working on fixing these things that are wrong with you if you want that promotion.

This was me.

The day I discovered my boss was less than impressed with my ability to create a perfect budget I threw myself into online finance courses.

I found it boring and soul-destroying. I started pulling long hours at work to try harder. I believed to progress further I would need to fix this massive shortfall I had.

And so my professional shame began.

Your partner tries to change you

And lastly… When we find our perfect partners.

We are in owe of them.

They somehow seem to complete us. They’re everything we’re not.

But… shortly after the honeymoon phase these same strengths that once were so attractive start to grind on us.

We do everything we can to try and change them. To be just a little more like us.

Whilst at the same time… they are feeling the same and secretly trying to change us too.

Eventually, any shame you had around yourself will sneak back to the surface as your partner once again highlights your personality defects to you.

What can we do about shame?

The solution to our shame problem is simple.

It’s time to come out of the personality closet.

It’s time to be unapologetically you.

Dr Brené Brown said, “We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known”.

But how can we allow others to see us when we can’t see our strengths?

It’s easy to list our flaws but it’s not so easy to list our strengths.

Why? Because it’s hard for us to see what’s special about something we have lived our whole lives with.

We take our strengths for granted.

How do we find our strengths?

It’s possible to discover our strengths by listing our annoying traits and then flipping them. Most weaknesses can translate into a strength.

You might avoid confrontation (perceived weakness), but you’re amazing at identifying and understanding the wants and needs of others (strength).

Once you have your list of annoying traits and your strengths you have a great starting point.

And yes. It will boost your confidence.

You may find you have a long list of vague strengths but with this method, you run the risk of missing some of your key strengths.

You may have strengths buried so deep inside that neither yourself nor others can identify.

The personality game changer

A more effective way to discover your greatest strengths is to take Gallup’s Clifton Strengths Assessment.

The 45-minute online assessment predicts with surprising accuracy your top 5 natural strengths. So, you know exactly where to focus your energy to shine.

This was a game-changer for me both personally and professionally.

Discovering my top 5 strengths was like having a huge weight lifted from me.

I no longer needed to pretend to be a finance wizard. And I also stopped acting like a chameleon, trying to be who the other person needed me to be.

I could finally step into my strength – I was finally me!

I only wish I had discovered them sooner.

My final words

Knowing, understanding, and using my strengths has allowed me to be me on purpose.

I no longer focus on the shame of who I’m not, or struggle with who I wish I could be.

Instead, I’m comfortable in my skin and I’m proud to be me.

This could be you too!

Find out today if your pain or symptoms could be curable by taking this free self assessment.

For more information send me a message, I’m always happy to hear from you gemma@gemmamcfall.com

When we feel stressed our bodies are on high alert. When I’m stressed, I feel as though I’m holding my breath, my jaw is tense, and I feel as though time is slipping away.

Although everyone experiences stress differently, we are all wired to be on the lookout for danger.

Why? Because million’s of years ago our survival depended on it. If a great big tiger attacked us, we needed to either run or hide from it. These days danger comes in the form of mounting responsibilities, high levels of uncertainty and unexpected changes.

The difference with a tiger is that once we have dealt with the situation, we can turn off the high alert switch and relax. At least until the next tiger approaches!

But these days, for many people, stress is on-going, never-ending and truly exhausting.

Our high alert switch was likely activated at some point and then we never quite got the break to turn it off. Before we know it, we are stuck in this high alert mode, always ready to fight the tiger. And this becomes our new normal.

I know because I have been there!

What is the solution?

First, we need to recognize if our stress response has got stuck in the on position. Are we on high alert more than we need to be?

Here are some questions to ask yourself…

Are you irritable? Tired? Snapping at loved ones? Judging yourself and others? Not sleeping?

Yes, to some or all? Then it’s time to turn off that switch.

How do I find time to turn off the stress switch?

By turning off this stress switch we can start to deactivate our nervous system. We need to find pockets of peace where we can allow our bodies to relax.

We need to practice turning off the switch of being scared. There is no actual tiger!

Finding 5-10 minutes is all you need to allow your body to relax, which is easier said than done in a busy schedule.

But… think of this time out as the safety message on the aeroplane. You need to put your oxygen mask on first before you can help others.

This is when the i-pad for the kids comes in handy!

What should I do in my 5-10 minutes?

The aim of your time alone is to create stillness and calm. There is no agenda, no performance and no set goals.

I would suggest taking note of the time that you start your time out and don’t leave until the end of your allocated time no matter how bored or fidgety you get.

Remember your body thinks it needs to be out fighting the tiger and the stress of the world. It is not going to want you to sit still!

During your de-stress time try different things until you find things that work for you.

I enjoy rotating between Yoga Nidra (sleep yoga), journaling, breathing exercises, tapping and guided meditation. YouTube is full of fantastic content.

What are the benefits?

I used to think taking time out of my busy day was counterproductive because it would slow me down and make me more stressed.

But taking these 5-10 minutes even just twice a day has had incredible benefits.

I’m a far nicer person. I’m less judgmental to others and myself. And surprisingly I become more productive with a clearer mind.

So that’s it…

We are stressed because the highly alert switch is has become stuck in the on position. Making us think we need to fight a tiger!

Our job is to desensitize the nervous system and turn off that switch by finding pockets of time for our bodies to relax.

How we use these pockets of time is a personal choice. And every time we come out the other side the stress signal is weakened and our bodies truly feel safe to relax.

How are you going to find and fill your pockets of time today?

If you are feeling overwhelmed, looking for further support and want to feel stronger please reach out to me at gemma@gemmamcfall.com.

I’m happy to help.

Find out today if your pain or symptoms could be curable by taking this free self assessment.

For more information send me a message, I’m always happy to hear from you gemma@gemmamcfall.com